Why do so many people apologies look phoney? I think it's because we can see through the deception. They are only pretending to get your sympathy - pretending to look like the cute dog.
As Jean Giraudoux said, "The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
Public apologies by public figures look that way. They are scripted. Celebrities are coached to look into the camera and fake sincerity. Many public apologies are not even conscientiously initiated. They are reactions to getting caught doing or saying something very wrong.
Here is how we train our kids to apologize.
"Danny, say sorry to Mark!"
"I didn't do anything!"
Loudly, "Say you're sorry!"
"I don't want to!"
"Come on, say 'sorry' already!"
Half-heartedly, "I'm sorry!"
"Say it like you mean it!"
Submissively, "OK. I'm sorry."
Sounds familiar?
Danny just learned how to say sorry just to shut his mom up. He did not connect the apology to hurting someone's feelings. Danny also learned three more things: (a) it is humiliating to say sorry, and (b) when you say sorry, you're the loser, (c) if you don't mean it, you are less humiliated, and less of a loser.
Yet for those who apologize sincerely, there is a feeling of cleansing - of a heavy weight lifted.
We have to teach our kids about how to say sorry, so that they do not grow up and hurt feelings - especially the people that they love.
How?
First, we have to make the connection between the cause and the apology. Secondly, we should talk about the value, and not the humiliation, of saying sorry. Third, model the apology. If you made a mistake with your child, show them how you say sorry sincerely, and still keep your stature as parent.
Let's apply the above principles:
"Danny, did you see what happened to Mark?"
"No, and I don't care!"
"Look at Mark. It looks like he's ... sad."
"Yeah, he's a sad crybaby."
"He's your friend, right?"
"Yeah. But he's just being a baby."
"Why? Aren't you buddies? What happened?"
"Well, I was just teasing him, and he got sensitive and stuff."
"Well, if he teased you, wouldn't you feel bad too?"
"I... I guess so."
Pause, "What do you think you should do?"
Looks at Mark. Then, thoughtfully, "What do you think, mom?"
"Well, when I was young and I hurt my friend's feelings, I said sorry. It wasn't easy, but our friendship was more important than a silly argument. Then, when I said sorry, I felt good, and she felt good, too. We're still good friends today."
Long pause, "Maybe I could say sorry."
"Maybe..."
"Uh, Mark. Hey, about what I said. Uh, I'm sorry."
Notice the three stages.
First, have the child look at the situation as an observer. The child must conclude that he or she did something wrong before getting to the next stage. Don't volunteer the cause and effect - the child has to realize this by him/herself.
Second, talk about the bigger picture, such as a strong interpersonal relationship. Again, the child must conclude that the value of that relationship is bigger than the hurt.
Third, talk about the resolution. Finally, the child must conclude that an apology is needed. Since children may not know this resolution outright, make sure you model it, through story or what you might do yourself.
If you're lucky, the apology happens in the same session. If not, give it time to stew in the child's mind. Eventually, he or she will make the move.
My wish today is simple: that we model sincere apologies to our children. But if we didn't get that training when we were young, then by reading this blog, you'll understand the value of the sincere apology and start using it.
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